Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP

What is rape & how can you help someone you know who has been raped?

Please see the info for survivors, friends and family page for more information.

Rape is an act of violence where the perpetrator uses sex to dehumanise and hurt other people, most often women and children. There is no such thing as a 'typical' rape or a 'typical' rape victim. However there are a number of common elements that you can be aware of that may help to understand the impact of rape on women. Rape is NOT the same as making love or having sex. Although most rapes involve some form of sexual contact, this occurs when a woman is in a state of emotional terror. Most women consider the sexual nature of the rape secondary compared with the violence, fear, terror and threats to her life that are involved.

Women are not responsible for rape. They do not enjoy the experience or ask for it to happen. People often mistakenly assume that women can prevent rape by avoiding places, dressing differently or fighting more. In fact, virtually no one can guarantee their safety, as rapes occur at all hours of the day, between all manner of people, of all ages and backgrounds. It is a mistake to assume the woman is responsible for the actions of the rapist. This is NEVER true. Remember that no matter what she was doing before the rape, it is the rapist who is completely responsible for the crime, NOT her. The fact that a woman has survived a sexual assault means that she did the right things at the time to stay alive.

Rape occurs all the time and has done for many thousands of years. It persists because of all the myths, misinterpretations, jokes and cliches that still exist about this crime.

Not until it happens to someone who you love, or to someone you know, does the tragedy anf reality of this crime become apparent. When someone close to you is raped, no one remains unaffected. No longer is it a crime that has happened to someone else or that you see on television.

Sexual assaults put a great deal of emotional strain on everyone including the rape victim. Your relationship with her will be affected, and will need some work and healing. She will be extremely sensitive to other people's reactions about the assault. She may even fear their reactions expecting misunderstanding and judgement.

Firstly, you may cope better by knowing some of what she is experiencing and by knowing that her reactions to the assault are normal.

Seondly, youa re encouraged to recognise your own needs and feeling about the assault and see how your reactions and hers change your current relationship together.

Your reactions may include anger, disgust, blame, guilt at not protecting her, and helplessness. These are common reactions of others close to someone who has been raped.

You may start to question the world and why this sort of thing happens. Talk to someone about your feelings and let her know who you are talking to. This will help her be aware of who else knows about the assault, and know that you too are having your own reactions to it.

In time you may be able to talk together about the impact the assault has had on your relationship/friendship/family.

Common reactions of Women

These include: confusion, anxiety, depression, nightmares, sleeplessness, self blame, shame, feeling dirty, anger, hotility toward people close to her, physical soreness and excessive dependence on others.

Her immediate response may seem confusing and her moods may change abruptly. One minute she may want you to be there, the next she may act fiercely independent.

These are common reactions to the trauma and terror she has experienced.

She is likely to be experiencing the same shock, disbelief, sadness and anger tha tyou are. You will be on a similar healing path, although at different paces and in different phases most of the time.

What to say

Effective communication is important for a rape survivor and all those close to her.

Be patient and an effective listener. Allow her to express her feelings. Do not pressure her into talking. It has taken her by surprise that she has been assaulted and it may take some time for her to begin making sense of the experience. She may not be able to talk with you. Encourage her to talk with someone else or to seek counselling.

Ask her about her reactions. She is the expert on herself at this time. however, you need to understand that she may not want to talk.

She may or may not wish to be held or touched. Ask her and understand and respect her wishes.

Do not attempt to overprotect or distract her from the reality of the assault. This may cause her to deny the effects of it.

Do not hide you feelings and vulnerabilities from her. Let her know you care and are hurting with her, though don't expect her to look after you. Talk to someone you trust or call a counsellor. Do not let yourself become a silent victim of rape.

Books you may want to read

Benedict, Helen (1994) How to Survive Sexual Assault: For Women, Men, Teenagers, their Friends, and Families. Columbia University Press, New York.

McEvoy, AW & Brooking, JB (1984) If She is Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers and Male Friends. Learning Publishing Inc, Florida.

The importance of family members, friends and partners at this time cannot be overstated. Women and children who have good support heal more quickly if they are able to let those who care about them know what they need. Your role is an important one, as it would be with any other incident or crisis that she was to face in her life.

For more information or if you need to talk about this with someone, call us on 623 1700, 24 hours.


	home > sexual violence & prevention > what is rape?

		What is rape & how can you help someone you know who has been raped? Please see the info for survivors, friends and family page for more information. Rape is an act of violence where the perpetrator uses sex to dehumanise and hurt other people, most often women and children. There is no such thing as a 'typical' rape or a 'typical' rape victim. However there are a number of common elements that you can be aware of that may help to understand the impact of rape on women. Rape is NOT the same as making love or having sex. Although most rapes involve some form of sexual contact, this occurs when a woman is in a state of emotional terror. Most women consider the sexual nature of the rape secondary compared with the violence, fear, terror and threats to her life that are involved. Women are not responsible for rape. They do not enjoy the experience or ask for it to happen. People often mistakenly assume that women can prevent rape by avoiding places, dressing differently or fighting more. In fact, virtually no one can guarantee their safety, as rapes occur at all hours of the day, between all manner of people, of all ages and backgrounds. It is a mistake to assume the woman is responsible for the actions of the rapist. This is NEVER true. Remember that no matter what she was doing before the rape, it is the rapist who is completely responsible for the crime, NOT her. The fact that a woman has survived a sexual assault means that she did the right things at the time to stay alive. Rape occurs all the time and has done for many thousands of years. It persists because of all the myths, misinterpretations, jokes and cliches that still exist about this crime. Not until it happens to someone who you love, or to someone you know, does the tragedy anf reality of this crime become apparent. When someone close to you is raped, no one remains unaffected. No longer is it a crime that has happened to someone else or that you see on television. Sexual assaults put a great deal of emotional strain on everyone including the rape victim. Your relationship with her will be affected, and will need some work and healing. She will be extremely sensitive to other people's reactions about the assault. She may even fear their reactions expecting misunderstanding and judgement. Firstly, you may cope better by knowing some of what she is experiencing and by knowing that her reactions to the assault are normal. Seondly, youa re encouraged to recognise your own needs and feeling about the assault and see how your reactions and hers change your current relationship together. Your reactions may include anger, disgust, blame, guilt at not protecting her, and helplessness. These are common reactions of others close to someone who has been raped. You may start to question the world and why this sort of thing happens. Talk to someone about your feelings and let her know who you are talking to. This will help her be aware of who else knows about the assault, and know that you too are having your own reactions to it. In time you may be able to talk together about the impact the assault has had on your relationship/friendship/family. Common reactions of Women These include: confusion, anxiety, depression, nightmares, sleeplessness, self blame, shame, feeling dirty, anger, hotility toward people close to her, physical soreness and excessive dependence on others. Her immediate response may seem confusing and her moods may change abruptly. One minute she may want you to be there, the next she may act fiercely independent. These are common reactions to the trauma and terror she has experienced. She is likely to be experiencing the same shock, disbelief, sadness and anger tha tyou are. You will be on a similar healing path, although at different paces and in different phases most of the time. What to say Effective communication is important for a rape survivor and all those close to her. Be patient and an effective listener. Allow her to express her feelings. Do not pressure her into talking. It has taken her by surprise that she has been assaulted and it may take some time for her to begin making sense of the experience. She may not be able to talk with you. Encourage her to talk with someone else or to seek counselling. Ask her about her reactions. She is the expert on herself at this time. however, you need to understand that she may not want to talk. She may or may not wish to be held or touched. Ask her and understand and respect her wishes. Do not attempt to overprotect or distract her from the reality of the assault. This may cause her to deny the effects of it. Do not hide you feelings and vulnerabilities from her. Let her know you care and are hurting with her, though don't expect her to look after you. Talk to someone you trust or call a counsellor. Do not let yourself become a silent victim of rape. Books you may want to read Benedict, Helen (1994) How to Survive Sexual Assault: For Women, Men, Teenagers, their Friends, and Families. Columbia University Press, New York. McEvoy, AW & Brooking, JB (1984) If She is Raped: A Book for Husbands, Fathers and Male Friends. Learning Publishing Inc, Florida. The importance of family members, friends and partners at this time cannot be overstated. Women and children who have good support heal more quickly if they are able to let those who care about them know what they need. Your role is an important one, as it would be with any other incident or crisis that she was to face in her life. For more information or if you need to talk about this with someone, call us on 623 1700, 24 hours.















Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP 24 hour crisis line (09) 623 1700 email: asah@sexualabusehelp.org.nz The address of this page is www.asah.org.nz/whatisrape.htm Important Privacy Notice: If you do not want others to know you have visited this site, click here