Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP - Information for Friends and Family

When you daughter or son has been raped:
A guide for parents of young people

• Young people don’t usually tell their parents about sexual assault. More often they keep it to themselves or tell their friends. So, that you know about the assault, is a good start. It means that you have the opportunity to contribute to the young person’s recovery.

• That you care that this has happened to her/him and that you are concerned about how she/he is, is what the young person most needs to see and hear. However, sometimes a parent’s initial reactions are ones of shock or disbelief. If this was the case, it is not too late to go back and apologise for these initial reactions, and then show your care and concern.

• Asking a few simple questions about what happened helps to communicate your concern, but being intrusive by asking lots of questions, asking detail, or keeping asking when she/he has indicated that she/he doesn’t want to talk about it is not helpful. The young person is likely to shut down emotionally and not communicate any further with you about the incident. Respect the young person’s privacy and allow them to tell you only what she or he wants to. Let her/him know that you are available if she/he does want to talk some more.

• In the aftermath of sexual assault, young people are often struggling with lots of different thoughts and feelings. Most young women struggle with self-blame as part of the process of making sense of what happened, but also as a way of having a sense of control – that they can make it not happen again. Young men may be struggling with what it means about them if this has happened, such as shame about not being manly enough to take care of themselves. It is important that you are patient as the young person processes what she/he can for her/himself, and that you listen without judgement if she/he shares her/his thoughts with you.

• As you are no doubt aware, the journey from dependent child to autonomous adult is challenging for most young people and their whanau/family. This is no less the case following sexual assault. She/he probably feels the need to keep control over what she/he does with or about what happened to her/him. You might feel like taking over, seeing this as an indication that she/he can’t yet protect her/himself and is therefore in need of extra parental control. In extreme situations where the young person is at on-going risk in a chronic pattern of abuse, she/he may need you to intervene where she/he can’t. However, usually her/his recovery will best be served by making her/his own decisions about how she/he wants to proceed and what she/he needs to feel safe. Asking her/him about what she/he wants and making suggestions without imposing your ideas can be most helpful. There are all sorts of things which can be of assistance - a few sessions with a sexual assault counsellor, a self-defence class, a mobile phone, taxi money when going out, talking to an aunt, talking to someone anonymously on a sexual assault telephone line, changing schools – check it out with her/him.

• The issues of medical care and police reporting can often be difficult for young people and their parents to navigate. While you can encourage her/him to have medical care, arrange it and offer to be with her/him, she/he may still choose not to have a medical examination. How you deal with this may depend on the age and mental state at the time of the young person. If you are in doubt, seek advice. Reporting to police can be an even more difficult issue. While your primary wish may be to see the alleged offender brought to justice, she/he may place more emphasis on privacy, retaining her/his social circle and getting her/his life back to normal as soon as possible. It is important to respect her/his need to manage the level of traumatisation that she/he is exposed to – she/he may believe that she/he just couldn’t cope with the re-traumatisation of reporting to police at this stage.

• You may feel many emotions about the assault on your daughter/son and the way that she/he is handling it. While it is okay to let her/him know that you have a different opinion, depending on her age and resources, it is also important that you let her/him know that you respect her/his decisions and her/his rights to make her/his own choices. Your emotions are yours to deal with. Enlist family and friends for your own support and seek services from a sexual assault agency if you feel that this would be helpful to you.

• Next time she/he wants to go out socially, you may feel particularly anxious. She/he might too. But it is important that she/he be able to re-enter the world and continue her/his social development at her/his own pace. Communicate your anxiety, but, if you can, also your respect or admiration that she/he is not letting this get in the way of living.

• On occasion, young people report sexual assaults which did not happen. You may want to believe that this is the case with your daughter or son as this would be better than accepting that she/he has been hurt. You might also get suspicious as her/his story may not seem to add up. You may wish to ask lots of questions to do your own detective work and figure out if the truth is being told or not. In general, it is best to leave the detective work to the police. Whatever the “truth”, your child is hurting in some way and needs your support. The damage that you can do by taking a detective approach, if in fact the young person is telling the truth, is just not worth it. Stay patient and the truth will probably emerge over time.

• Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that it is not her/his fault. We never ask to be sexually assaulted, even if we sometimes put ourselves in risky situations, such as going home with people we don’t know well, or using drugs or alcohol. No matter what, we still have the right to say no and have this respected. An analogy which can make this easier to understand – a burglary is still a burglary whether you forgot to lock the front door or not. Yes, you would be upset with yourself if you had forgotten to lock the door, but this did not give someone the right to enter your property and take your things.

If you would like to talk to someone about this, telephone the Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation’s 24 hour phone line on 09 623 1700.
Or contact us by email, fax or post.


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		When you daughter or son has been raped: A guide for parents of young people • Young people don’t usually tell their parents about sexual assault. More often they keep it to themselves or tell their friends. So, that you know about the assault, is a good start. It means that you have the opportunity to contribute to the young person’s recovery. • That you care that this has happened to her/him and that you are concerned about how she/he is, is what the young person most needs to see and hear. However, sometimes a parent’s initial reactions are ones of shock or disbelief. If this was the case, it is not too late to go back and apologise for these initial reactions, and then show your care and concern. • Asking a few simple questions about what happened helps to communicate your concern, but being intrusive by asking lots of questions, asking detail, or keeping asking when she/he has indicated that she/he doesn’t want to talk about it is not helpful. The young person is likely to shut down emotionally and not communicate any further with you about the incident. Respect the young person’s privacy and allow them to tell you only what she or he wants to. Let her/him know that you are available if she/he does want to talk some more. • In the aftermath of sexual assault, young people are often struggling with lots of different thoughts and feelings. Most young women struggle with self-blame as part of the process of making sense of what happened, but also as a way of having a sense of control – that they can make it not happen again. Young men may be struggling with what it means about them if this has happened, such as shame about not being manly enough to take care of themselves. It is important that you are patient as the young person processes what she/he can for her/himself, and that you listen without judgement if she/he shares her/his thoughts with you. • As you are no doubt aware, the journey from dependent child to autonomous adult is challenging for most young people and their whanau/family. This is no less the case following sexual assault. She/he probably feels the need to keep control over what she/he does with or about what happened to her/him. You might feel like taking over, seeing this as an indication that she/he can’t yet protect her/himself and is therefore in need of extra parental control. In extreme situations where the young person is at on-going risk in a chronic pattern of abuse, she/he may need you to intervene where she/he can’t. However, usually her/his recovery will best be served by making her/his own decisions about how she/he wants to proceed and what she/he needs to feel safe. Asking her/him about what she/he wants and making suggestions without imposing your ideas can be most helpful. There are all sorts of things which can be of assistance - a few sessions with a sexual assault counsellor, a self-defence class, a mobile phone, taxi money when going out, talking to an aunt, talking to someone anonymously on a sexual assault telephone line, changing schools – check it out with her/him. • The issues of medical care and police reporting can often be difficult for young people and their parents to navigate. While you can encourage her/him to have medical care, arrange it and offer to be with her/him, she/he may still choose not to have a medical examination. How you deal with this may depend on the age and mental state at the time of the young person. If you are in doubt, seek advice. Reporting to police can be an even more difficult issue. While your primary wish may be to see the alleged offender brought to justice, she/he may place more emphasis on privacy, retaining her/his social circle and getting her/his life back to normal as soon as possible. It is important to respect her/his need to manage the level of traumatisation that she/he is exposed to – she/he may believe that she/he just couldn’t cope with the re-traumatisation of reporting to police at this stage. • You may feel many emotions about the assault on your daughter/son and the way that she/he is handling it. While it is okay to let her/him know that you have a different opinion, depending on her age and resources, it is also important that you let her/him know that you respect her/his decisions and her/his rights to make her/his own choices. Your emotions are yours to deal with. Enlist family and friends for your own support and seek services from a sexual assault agency if you feel that this would be helpful to you. • Next time she/he wants to go out socially, you may feel particularly anxious. She/he might too. But it is important that she/he be able to re-enter the world and continue her/his social development at her/his own pace. Communicate your anxiety, but, if you can, also your respect or admiration that she/he is not letting this get in the way of living. • On occasion, young people report sexual assaults which did not happen. You may want to believe that this is the case with your daughter or son as this would be better than accepting that she/he has been hurt. You might also get suspicious as her/his story may not seem to add up. You may wish to ask lots of questions to do your own detective work and figure out if the truth is being told or not. In general, it is best to leave the detective work to the police. Whatever the “truth”, your child is hurting in some way and needs your support. The damage that you can do by taking a detective approach, if in fact the young person is telling the truth, is just not worth it. Stay patient and the truth will probably emerge over time. • Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that it is not her/his fault. We never ask to be sexually assaulted, even if we sometimes put ourselves in risky situations, such as going home with people we don’t know well, or using drugs or alcohol. No matter what, we still have the right to say no and have this respected. An analogy which can make this easier to understand – a burglary is still a burglary whether you forgot to lock the front door or not. Yes, you would be upset with yourself if you had forgotten to lock the door, but this did not give someone the right to enter your property and take your things. If you would like to talk to someone about this, telephone the Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP Foundation’s 24 hour phone line on 09 623 1700. Or contact us by email, fax or post.
















Auckland Sexual Abuse HELP 24 hour crisis line (09) 623 1700 email: asah@sexualabusehelp.org.nz The address of this page is www.asah.org.nz/daughter.htm Important Privacy Notice: If you do not want others to know you have visited this site, click here